It has occurred to me, of course, that if anyone bothered to think about the 41 year-old, apparently single, overweight guy driving a new car who moved in with absolutely no furniture and a picture of his wife and daughter, well it wouldn't take much of an imagination to guess that I am newly divorced. Life in a spiral. On the way down. I'm not, but that would be the logical guess. I take some consolation from the fact that no one actually thinks of me. I live in my box from six to six and am free to be what I will. The apartment complex is no smoking. Absolutely no smoking. The parking lot is not distance enough, but the sidewalk is ok. I returned from a road trip to find a note about this policy taped to my door.
There is absolutely **NO SMOKING** permitted on the property. That includes on your back patio, and that includes your guests. If you need to smoke, please step out to the curb.I've no idea if the apartment manager, T, put this on every door, or if I was the only one to get one. I don't smoke, nor do my guests. It's been three days and I still worry. Does she think I was smoking? Were there butts on my patio from a previous tenant? They're doing work on the siding and I know people have been on the patio. Am in trouble? I feel like I should call. Clarify. Explain. I have this need to have this woman who I have only met the once not thinking ill of me. Not thinking of me at all is fine. Thinking that I am breaking the rules, that I am somehow bad is not.
Maybe I need to tell her that I am not a lonely divorced guy who smokes Winston's. I have wife, a house, a good marriage. I don't smoke. I have a job. A good paying one. I am not the guy you think I am. I am not the guy my father was. Cause there's a guy I can judge. There's someone who I know about. There's the guy you're looking for. I am not him and won't be. My life can't turn on that dime. I won't wake up one day and have everything be different. My employer is not going to up and announce a massive wage cut. My wife isn't going to leave me. My kid won't mock and pity me. Those things are double plus unpossible for me. Because I am a good guy. I'm doing everything right. I try. That's all it takes, right?
For now, I am letting it go and telling myself everyone got the flyer and no one is thinking that I have done anything wrong here. For now. I may send an email tomorrow, just so she knows.