Mmmmm, Savings

Obama has put up a tax cut calculator. Assuming no one who reads this blog earns more than $250K or owns a small business that results in income of more than $250K, then I can assure you that you can use the calculator to see what your tax savings would be under an Obama administration.

Homer endorses

Who You Got?

I vaguely remember Al Swearengen saying something to the effect of "Declare your intentions or go fuck yourself." The sentiment vaguely applies here. Pick a team and live or die by their fortunes.

Boston: Winner of several World Series in the last few years. Former perennially loser to the Yankess, largely because curses are real and result from trading players that would go on to be the best of all time (further side note, in parentheses form, I have to mention that the Babe was born in Baltimore). Devotees of the "sabermetrics," the use of complicated statistical models to determine whihc players are best and which strategies to employ. Won't steal or bunt. Hated by most of baseball world because of it. Their success is seen as more proof that sabermetrics just doesn't work, largely because every pennant they win is another one Billy Bean didn't.

Los Angeles: Angels version. Formerly the "Los Angeles at Anahiem" Angels. Before that just the "Anahiem" Angels. They are more properly known as the "California" Angels. Spawned a series of godawful movies. Never, ever watch "Angels in the End Zone" no matter much your kids want to watch it. It makes you dumber. Big lumber in the 'Hiem, as the locals call it.

Chicago: White Sox version. Allegedly the working-class team from Chicago. Known mostly for throwing the 1918 World Series for, get this, money. Had a great baseball movie made about it. John Cusak. That John Cusak, quite the actor, no? The "ChiSox" snuck into the playoffs by winning a one-game tie-breaker against the Twins. They are from the worst division in baseball and don't deserve to be here. That said, they will probably go on to win it all. Worse, the sabrematricains predicted disaster for the White Sox, and they tried, but being from a shitty division helps, so they are in and we will never here the end of it.

Tampa Bay: The real darlings of this season. Not given a chance, they have plucked their way into America's heart with their plucky brand of pluck. They have a lot of really good players you have never heard of and their star didn't do well, then managed to finish the season on the DL. If you give them a chance, they will pluck the pluck out of your heart strings. Of course, you'd have to overlook the fact they are from Florida, which consistantly wins the title for most odious of all 50 states. (Sorry, Texas).

Milwaukee: The Brew Crew. When a Milwaukeeite hits a homer, a mule is shoved down a 50-foot slide into a mug of beer. If the mule can drink it's way out, beer-soaked sausages are a dollar off for the next two innings. If the mule drowns, burgers are fifty cents off the rest of the game. Either way, everyone wins. The Brewers are from Wisconsin, so they are obvious underdogs. But they are a team you can love. They will love you back.

Philadelphia: (Everyone, now) E - A - G - L -E - S, EAGLES, EAGLES, EAGLES!!! E - A - G - L -E - S, EAGLES, EAGLES, EAGLES!!! E - A - G - L -E - S, EAGLES, EAGLES, EAGLES!!!
Go Eagles! Come on, you Eagles! Fuck yeah, EAGLES!!!!!!

Los Angeles: Dodgers version. The "Trolley Dodgers" that is. From Brooklyn. Oh I could tell you about how my heart was ripped out when the Dodgers moved from Brooklyn to LA. It was 1958 and I was a young Jewish lad of 12. Oh the games with the Giants! Oh the Polo Grounds Ebbets Field! Serously though, the Dodgers are most famous for destroying a working class neighborhood to build their stadium which was a subplot in a book I read but now can't remember. LA Confidential? And they had a manger who loved pasta and a pitcher who looked to heaven before each pitch and a gimpy guy who hit a homer.

Chicago: Cubs version. The lovable losers. The little team that can't. Traded Babe Ruth for a goat and haven't won the championship since the Indians killed Custer. Formerly owned by a gum magnate, now, I understand, absolutely no one wants to own them. Snuck into the playoffs on the basis of excellent pitching, good hitting, and fielding. Probably be everyone's darling pick, except that everyone on the planet is sick of hearing about the goddam Cubs and how they haven't won since 19-dickity-2.

There you have it. Declare in the comments.

Get Off My Lawn

I am not a big fan of Gordon Smith. I am really not a fan of seeing his commercials during The Simpsons and King of the Hill. Those are my shows. I'd like to believe that only liberals enjoy them.

I do know different. How someone could enjoy The Simpsons and vote Republican is beyond me, but they obviously do. Still. I shouldn't have to watch your horrible, horrible commercials where a woman who was raped in 1986 tries to blame Jeff Merkley for not supporting some bill in 2007 would have "prevented" crimes like this in the future. Because, you know, serial rapists are worried about the length of the sentance they might endure.

Of course, the whole problem is the Republicans continue to kick our ass at this game. Some Republican state Rep probably dropped a whole host of no-hope extremeist measures in the hopper. Merkely didn't bring them up for a vote, because they had no chance. Now the GOP can say that he opposed this or voted against that. He's pro-rapist for fuck sake because he didn't support the "Behead all rapists before they have a chance to speak in court" bill. Disgusting.

Anyway, Gordo, get your commercials off my shows. There are plenty of JAG and Murder, She Wrote reruns on at the same time. Those are your people. Get them fired up.

I Weep as I Type

Dear Sirs,

I would like to apply to be a columnist for your fine publication. I believe I would fit in with the fine stable of men and women who currently write for your paper. As I have no experience, other than a blog I would prefer you don't find out about, I have taken the liberty of writing out the topic sentences for a year's worth of columns for the 2012 presidential election. I hope you will see that I would certainly fit right in fit right in, I certainly would.

November 2011:
Struggling economy, unpopular war with Iran leave McCain vulnerable.

Field of Democratic challengers strong, fight it out to see who will assuredly replace McCain.

December 2011:
Wal-Martification of American economy has left America prey to powerhouses China and India.

Democratic front-runner has glaring personality flaw that could spell defeat in November.

Democratic front-runner stumbles in debate, challengers bear down.

January 2012:
Crucial month for Democrats, nation.

Surprisingly strong third-place showing in Iowa reshuffles Democratic pack.

Democrats in-fighting, should be focusing on McCain.

February 2012:
New Hampshire narrows Democratic field to three, reform on agenda for all.

Super Tuesday surprise hands nomination to upstart Democratic challenger.

McCain camp "ready for fight," but internal squabbling blunts message.

March 2012:
Democratic nominee calls for focus on "issues," not "personalities," blasts McCain's handling of economy, war.

Economy, health care crisis continue to be burden to Americans, McCain struggles to find answers.

April 2012:
McCain cheers on Diamondbacks, Democratic challenger has ties to several teams.

Campaign trail gaffe: Democratic challenger questions need for rural Oregonians to use dogs to hunt cougars; appeal to far-left PETA crowd could hurt support in rural America.

May 2012:
Far-left attacks on McCain could backfire, Democratic challenger calls for "clean campaign."

Continued GOP use of 9/11 as justification for war a falsehood, Democrats need to go on the attack.

Questions raised about patriotism of Democratic challenger.

June 2012:
Democratic challenger grew up in same hometown as notorious child molester.

McCain says economy will rebound, accuses Democratic challenger of hoping it continues to fail.

Civil war in Kerplekistan: McCain blames Muslim extremists, Democratic challenger says "wait and see" approach best.

July 2012:
Democratic challenger's spouse went to Harvard, Yale, never eaten bacon-cheddar potato skins at TGI Fridays.

Cindy McCain embraces role as first lady, loves babies.

August 2012:
Republican insiders surprisingly say Palin has learned from last four years, ready to lead.

McCain would need spectacular convention to revive hopes of retaining the presidency.

Questions about McCain's health show prejudice among Democrats, do not belong in campaign about "issues."

September 2012:
Historic convention bounce has McCain barely trailing in polls; McCain resilient, America still loves Palin.

Where is Democratic challenger? Should Dems have picked other guy?

Allies in Middle East say weak America could destabilize tense situation.

Perhaps only McCain could get bipartisan support necessary to accomplish "Democratic" reforms.

October 2012:
Campaign turns nasty, as Democratic challenger accuses McCain of performing poorly on economy, war.

Vice Presidential debate shows that pitbull Palin, GOP not ready to back down.

Both McCain and Democratic challenge declare debate success, ready for stretch run.

On eve of historic election, America divided, ready for change.

November 2012:
Historic re-election shows that maverick McCain has mandate for change.


I can haz journamalism job now?

The OG v. the Eighth Commandment

The results are in...and we're going to hell!

Number of readers who openly admit to breaking the eighth commandment: 4 -- 20 Hail Marys

Number of readers who admit to breaking the eighth commandment, but with shame in their hearts: 7 -- 10 Hail Marys

Number of readers who break the eighth commandment, but seem to think there's a "really good reason" clause in the bible: 5 -- 20 Hail Marys, 10 Our Fathers

Number of readers who cop to the sin of ignorance: 2 -- 4 Our Fathers

Number of readers who walk the righteous path, but will enevitably fall because no person is without sin, might we mention pride?: 3 -- 1 Our Father

And he totally digs Clarence Thomas too

From IHE (second item):

Adam LaDuca, a Kutztown University student, quit his position as executive director of the Pennsylvania Federation of College Republicans last week following criticism of comments he made on his Facebook page about Sen. Barack Obama’s lips, The Allentown Morning Call reported. LaDuca wrote that Obama has “a pair of lips so large he could float half of Cuba to the shores of Miami,” and later followed that up with a posting that said that “if sayin’ someone has large lips is a racial slur, then we’re ALL in trouble.” LaDuca told the Morning Call that he is not a racist, citing his admiration for Thomas Sowell, a conservative black economist, as evidence. “I have eight of his books and I think he’s brilliant and he’s a black man," LaDuca said. "If I were racist, would I be reading this stuff?”

To his credit, LaDuca didn't resort to the some-of-my-best-friends-are-black line because - obviously - they're not. All the same, pretty lame, Milhouse.

Oh, and Adam - you're a fucking racist.

The Silent Majority

The first ever poll of OGnian thought is closed and I will now present the results:



What does this mean? First, will polls continue? since a whopping 19.6% of visitors to the site expressed a willingness to endure polls, they will continue.

81% of visitors (I have used the average visits per day for the past week) did not vote. They are well known as "the silent majority."

The will of the silent majority is clear from this poll; They want LAW and ORDER. The polling staff (EZ) interprets this to mean that Obama will pick Biden. (The fact that this already happened is iron-clad proof that this is a valid poll)

As the pentograph clearly shows, we should be moving, "forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom." Kodos 1996

For those waiting with much anticipation the announcement of the next poll, it will be text messaged to you (or just posted on the site) by 3 am tomorrow.

Vote Quimby

If he had gone with a over-broad Boston accent, he could argue that he was doing a spot on Mayor Quimby.

So, We're Not Going to the Black Angus?

A Restaurant Review:

There's a new restaurant in the 541 (Eugene, Oregon, USA). For those of you familiar with your Eugene restaurant scene, it's where the Black Angus used to be, which became the River Ranch, part of the West Brothers' empire. Where the Black Angus is known for top quality steaks at top quality prices, West Brothers' specialized heavy BBQ fair at medium quality prices. For those who know their Eugene geography, but weren't down with free meals on their birthdays, it's on Franklin Blvd., across from the old Romania car dealership. Down at the end there where you merge from the freeway. It also happens to be a hop and skip from where the new basketball arena will be (God willing. Ha ha. Phil wants it, it's going to happen).

Anyway, the new restaurant is called The BOULEVARD Grill(it appears in all caps whenever the word is mentioned on the menu). I don't know how old the restaurant is, I just noticed it the other day, but the parking lot looked packed, so I figured there must be some word out somewhere. I was hungering for meat on Tuesday and thought I'd make Ginger go with me to give it a try.

As I am about to savage this restaurant, I want to make clear that I do not believe that any of the people who work for or own The BOULEVARD Grill are evil people or bear anyone any ill will. I am sure they are all fine people struggling to do the best they can. Failing, but struggling.

As we pulled into the parking lot, I noticed that all of the cars were parked not in the restaurant parking lot, but, rather, were parked in the adjacent hotel lot. Not to worry, though, it was only 5:30, so we were agonizingly early for dinner. (I forget why we were eating so early, I think I was just hungry as all get out.)

The first hint that there might be trouble came when the hostess went to seat us. First she said "Two?" and responded to my nod by grabbing two menus. To quote Dr. Evil, "Pretty standard stuff, really." But then she hesitated, went back to her seating diagram, erased where she had sat us, moved us somewhere else, and took a step toward the dining room. But wait, maybe over there would be better. Back to the diagram. Another move toward the dining room, then back to the diagram, and back toward the dining room--this time for real! I don't expect perfection from people, I really don't, but when your job is acting as hostess at a restaurant, it is one of the basics of the job to know where you are going to sit the next party that comes in. In fact, other than grabbing menus and walking people to a table, it's your only job.

So we sat down and looked at the menu. One thing was obvious right away, this restaurant existed to plunder the tourists who stayed at the hotel next door, to plunder people looking to grab a bite before the basketball game, and to plunder the fine folks who attended the Olympic Trials. And old people. The place was lousy with old folk. For you big city folk, the prices might have been par for the course (FORE!), but for us small town folk, a $31 ribeye is bit of a joke. Twenty-seven dollars for halibut is a lot. (For those that didn't notice, I'd like to point out that I used the work "folk" three times in the last two sentences. I call that a tri-folk.) So I knew I was going to be blowing the budget. I didn't mind it too much, I expected the food to be good.

Waitress comes over and takes our drink order. I order a pint of Nikasi Pale Ale, Ging sticks with water. (I'm not a big fan of people sticking with water in restaurants. Restaurants make a lot of their money off of drink sales. Have a glass of wine and leave the sticking to water to the local pizza joint). The waitress brings my glass of beer and takes our order. Ging orders the special "Asian" scallops appetizer and the red snapper. I go with a wedge salad (large size) and the fried chicken for dinner. I had been watching an episode of Good Eats about making fried chicken and Alton had given me a jones. The menu described the fried chicken as coming with corn mashed potatoes and smothered in sausage gravy. I wasn't too sure about smothering the chicken in gravy, as fried chicken must be eaten with the fingures, but I thought I'd let it roll. Surely, the fine restaurant owners know what they are doing.

The waitress mentions that they may be out of the red snapper. She thought she heard the chef shout that they were just as she was leaving the kitchen. She was going to check and let us know. I thought it odd that a restaurant might run out of a special (it wa son the paper insert menu) at 5:30 pm, but what the hell.

Back to my beer for moment. It was distinctly non-pint-like. Normally, this would be upseting, as a pint is usually only 50 cents or something more than a glass and you're pretty much ripped off for being the small-glass chump, but in this case, a full pint is $1.50 more and the price of a pint and a glass were once-per-dollar equivilents. Still, I did order a pint.

We got bread, we got garlic butter, very tasty.

The waitress came back to inform us that yes, they were out of the snapper. Ging, with some coaching from me, had prepped for this moment, so she was ready to counter-order with the eggplant spring rolls.

Shortly thereafter, our appetizers arrived. All plans to share the scallops went out the window. There were just two. The were slightly under done. Not so much that you would get sick, just enough that you would worry about it. The had a vague "Asian" taste to them in the sense that you could tell that at one time they had touched soy sauce, but that was about as Asain-y as they got. The real problem with the scallops is that Ging never should have ordered them. She doesn't really like shellfish, but one time I accidentally made the most kick-ass scallops ever and Ging has been convinced she likes them ever since.

The wedge salad was awesome. Half a head of iceberg. Blue cheese, bacon. Could not have asked for more. No complaints about the wedge salad.

Waitress is back at the table. It seems that they are out of the eggplant spring rolls. She is very sorry. Terribly sorry. Is there anything else she can get Ging? We get a menu to look it over. She's back in a couple of minutes. Ging goes with the porcini ravioli. I forget to order another beer.

Again, a surprisingly short time later, our dinner arrives. Yes, my fried chicken is liberally smothered in gravy. No problem, as I do not have too much dignity to suck gravy off of fried chicken before I eat it. I gave up dignity a long time ago. Ginger gets her rather small plate of pasta. And I remember to order a beer. A pint, I say very distinctly, of Ninkasi.

The chicken was good. Pan fried, not deep fried. Alton had just taught me you can tell because with deep-fried chicken the skin and crust will pull away from the meat the first time you bite it. The gravy, however, was interesting (the academia "polite, interesting = crap" interesting, not the actual interesting). It didn't taste bad, but the sausage in the gravy was not country sausage or breakfast sausage but, I believe, keilbasa. Some kind of casing sausage sliced and cut into quarters. Weird. The mashed potatoes were flavorless and closer to the glue end of the mashed potatoes spectrum than the clouds end. I ate the leg and the wing and was oddly full.

In order to kill time while Ging ate, as I was full (see above), I visited the bathroom rest area. Luckily, I knew where they were. There were no signs or visual cues. The bathroom was awesome. Just in the door way there was mural of a campus scene. It involved Deady Hall, which is pretty iconic around the U of O, but several other buildings that do not reside on our campus. They were buildings with crosses on the top. On another wall was a mural of a stadium with a big sign over it that says "Hayward Field," which makes sense, as the Olympic Trials, National Champoinships and other big track meets will be held here in the coming years. Except that as I looked at the picture, I thought that it didn't look like Hayward. I realized it was actually a statium and the reflection of a stadium in a reflecting pool, which certainly does not exist near Hayward. Odd. And then, on closer inspection, I realized that the stadium in question was not Hayward, but Autzen. Double odd.

Having finished my business, but failing to make use of the complimentary mouthwash, I returned to my table. Ginger was done eating, so we were just waiting for the witress to come round (maybe with that beer I ordered) so we could request the check. The waitress hit the tables on other side of us without seeming to notice that we were just sitting there (not drinking our beer). The next time we saw her was when she brought the beer. To her credit she offered to box up our remnants and brough the check right over. For some reason the check was brought on a plastic bright green clipboard with rulers on either side of it. If I'm paying $17 for fried chicken, I'd like a little class with the check.

Check paid and 3 oz of my pint drunk, we left. There was a new hostess by the door as we were leaving. You expect the hostess to give you the ol' "Thanks for coming, have a great night." Not in this case. We got glared at. I swear to God he had yellow eyes. Yellow eyes! Glared at.

There you have it. The new BOULEVARD Grill. Unless the father-in-law is buying, do not check it out.

New frontiers in constitutional thought

By now you're all surely aware of the Great Frackin' Cracker Desecration of 2008 (Cliff Notes version here). One of the pleasant byproducts of this highly entertaining sacrilege has been my making the acquaintances of some, shall we say out of the way organizations. Like the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy, for example, whose poorly designed web site leads me to believe that they're a small organization of right-wing priests.

I know I should probably cut them some slack because they're clergymen and not law-talkin' guys, but their legal reasoning, especially on constitutional matters, seems somewhat suspect:

We find the actions of University of Minnesota (Morris) Professor Paul Myers reprehensible, inexcusable, and unconstitutional...

[...]

The same Bill of Rights which protect freedom of speech also protect freedom of religion. The Founding Fathers did not envision a freedom FROM religion, rather a freedom OF religion. In other words, our nation's constitution protects the rights of ALL religions, not one and not just a few. Attacking the most sacred elements of a religion is not free speech anymore than would be perjury in a court or libel in a newspaper.

Lies and hate speech which incite contempt or violence are not protected under the law. Hence, inscribing Swastikas on Jewish synagogues or publicly burning copies of the Christian Bible or the Muslim Koran, especially by a faculty member of a public university, are just as heinous and just as unconstitutional. Individual freedoms are limited by the boundaries created by the inalienable rights of others. The freedom of religion means that no one has the right to attack, malign or grossly offend a faith tradition they personally do not have membership or ascribe allegiance.

It's funny how their understanding of the First Amendment is exactly the opposite of what it actually means. Yes indeed I have a right to offend any faith tradition I damn well please, so long as I'm not damaging anyone's property or person. I can tell you the Church coddles pedophiles. I can tell you your mystical cannibalism is so much bullshit. Hell, back in college I used a page from the Gideon's Bible to roll a joint (that Word of God gets you fucked up). And it's all constitutional (well, the rolling a joint part is obviously subject to debate, but the blaspheming is definitely constitutional). And to equate symbolic blasphemy with the Holocaust? That's just fucked up.

Not content to just demonstrate their utter lack of legal understanding, they also show their unfamiliarity with the university and with these little things called facts:

The Chancellor of the University refused to reprimand or censure the teacher, who ironically is a Biology Professor. One fails to see the relevance of the desecration of a Catholic sacrament to the science of Biology. Were Myers a Professor of Theology, there would have been at least a presumption of competency to express religious opinions in a classroom. Yet, for a scientist to ridicule and show utter contempt for the most sacred and precious article of a major world religion, is inappropriate, unprofessional, unconstitutional and disingenuous.

A biologist has no business 'dissing' any religion, rather, they should be busy teaching the scientific discipline they were hired to teach. Tolerating such behavior by university officials is equally repugnant as it lends credibility to the act of religious hatred.

That's so cute. They seem to have this vision of PZ standing before his Intro to Microbiology class, blood dripping from his beard, gleefully desecrating the Host while giggling manically, "Kill Jesus! Kill Jesus!" It's almost a shame to have to inform them that the desecration to place in PZ's private home, on his own time, and the results posted on his private blog - oh yeah, and that what he does as a private citizen is none of the university's goddamned business (which, fortunately, his employer realizes).

I'm sure one of these priests is praying for my soul right now. But if their theological skills are on a par with their grasp of logic or law, I'm sure there's a very confused Buddha somewhere wondering why these fucking Catholics won't leave him the fuck alone.

Everything from ABBA to Zeppelin, Led

I'm currently reading Douglas Brinkley's The Great Deluge about the Katrina catastrophe. While it's certainly not a funny book, this quote on page 60 cracked me up:

The bar was holding a midsummer Mardi Gras party featuring the legendary George Porter, founder of the Meters, the seminal New Orleans funk band that influenced everybody from Phish to Widespread Panic.

Call me crazy, but I think the Meters' influence spreads farther than from a white, neo-hippie jam band from Vermont to a white, neo-hippie jam band from Georgia.

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

In an effort to counter-balance the liberal media, some far-right websites run auto-correct on AP articles to change the words "Democratic Party" to "Democrat Party," which is hilarious. Zing!

The American Family Association’s OneNewsNow has taken it a step further by replacing the word "gay" with "homosexual." Speculation could abound as to why they make this change, but I like to believe they are trying to "recapture" the word so that we bloggers will once again have a way to describe weekend outings in the park with our family.

Unfortunately, this is simple transfer of words does not always work out as intended. The readers of AFA's news feed were informed this weekend that American track athlete Tyson Homosexual has breezed to an easy finish in the 100 meters semi-final at the Olympic Trials. Also noted in the headlines were the facts that "Homosexual runs wind-aided 9.68 seconds to make Olympics" and "Close call: Homosexual barely averts major flop in 100."

From now on, the OG will automatically replace all references to "homosexual" with "homersexual."

h/t: Balloon Juice and RWW