I'm sure none of us saw this coming

It seems that a mother's burgeoning political ambition isn't the solid foundation for a marriage that some thought it would be.

Dear (very specific) Marxist Academic

I'm not writing this because I disagree with the worldview which informs how you see our current situation and what led to it. I'm cut from the same coarse fiber, and yes, I too see systemic and structural failures wherever I look. That's not the issue.

I'm writing because you are an unmitigated, diseased, treacherous, flamingly poor excuse for an asshole. Calling you a straight-up asshole would actually be paying you a compliment, as assholes do serve a vital purpose. You, on the other hand, are a boil to be lanced.

I see you writing that you opposed the recently passed economic stimulus package, not because it didn't go far enough in providing the help that is so desperately needed, but because it delays the revolution you so desperately desire, possibly because you maintain the childish fantasy that then the masses will recognize your genius and rally around like some latter-day Che.

They won't.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for sitting around and taking a paycheck and an education paid for by the taxpayers you'd see fucked over to exacerbate the "crisis" which you seem to think portends your glorious revolution.

Fuck you for looking down your nose and saying "fuck you" to the people who produce the surplus which allows you to pretend you have all the answers, if only the people would listen.

But most importantly, fuck you for sitting around and doing nothing. Fuck you for not organizing. Fuck you for alienating all your students with your holier than thou bullshit attitude. Fuck you for thinking that your paper about how fucked up shit is is actually a solution. Fuck you for pretending to care about the people for whom you profess to speak, but really, inside you're a hollow, misanthropic piece of shit who'd rather say "I told you so" than do the hard work, make the hard choices, and experience the hard landings from failure that are actually necessary to make this world a better place.

Fuck. You.

Holy shit is PETA stupid

Seriously. They're really fucking stupid.

Not what was intended by nature

The skateboard video aesthetic was never meant to be applied to... golf:

How do you prepare for the world's largest tailgate party?

I'll be honest - I'm excited that I'll be able to go with T. and E. downtown on January 20 for the Inauguration (whether we'll be watching at the Mall or staking out a spot for the parade is still up in the air). The level of security that's going to be on display is to be expected. It's the rest of the wackiness that's making the event seem like a Dead lot for straight people:

Sgt. Robert LaChance, a U.S. Park Police spokesman, said that it is "not legal to camp on the Mall" and that tents would be banned.

Raise your hand if you were wondering if there's anything more pleasant than sleeping outside in the middle of January in DC.

Unlike at the Capitol or on the parade route, backpacks, chairs and strollers will be permitted on the Mall, he said. People can also bring food and coolers there.

Raise your hand if you were wondering how you were going to keep your tasty beverage ice-cold in the middle of January in DC.

In case of disaster, the D.C. Homeland Security and Emergency Management Agency plans to use a new loudspeaker system on the Mall to tell people what to do, officials said.

Really? It sounds like I'm about to see more cops in a roughly six hour period than I've ever seen in my entire life. What sort of disaster could possibly befall us?

What's that?

Still to be determined: how many portable toilets will be set up for the events.

Fuck.

Two gripes and something cool

• Taking up a whole bench on the Metro with your iPod on, eyes closed, pretending to be asleep during rush hour is a dick move, guy.
• How much righteous hatred is too much for parents driving their kids door-to-door trick-or-treating?
• I saw three different African-American kids, somewhere in the 7-10 range, dressed up as Obama tonight. Just thinking about them makes me smile.

Not quite clear on the concept

I think that this is the very definition of irony... or stupidity.

Kabuki

Sarah Palin. I've heard something about her being "a maverick":

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said Friday that she disagrees with the John McCain campaign’s decision to pull staff and resources out of Michigan.

“I want to get back to Michigan, and I want to try,” Palin said in an interview on Fox News. “Todd and I, we'd be happy to get to Michigan. We'd be so happy to speak to the people there in Michigan who are hurting.”

[...]

The Alaska governor first heard the news this morning and fired off a quick e-mail to campaign officials expressing her displeasure with the move.

“Oh c’mon, do we have to?” Palin said she wrote.

Which then triggered this heartfelt plea from a "Main Streeter":

From: CHUCK YOB
Date: Fri, Oct 3, 2008 at 5:34 PM
Subject: Dear Governor Palin from Chuck Yob
To: Governor Palin

Governor Palin,

I saw your comments on Fox News today and described in the Detroit Free Press article below. I wholeheartedly agree with you that the decision by the McCain campaign to pull out of Michigan was the wrong decision.

[...]

I talked to Michigan Republicans and McCain supporters on a conference call last night and they vowed to redouble their efforts. Indeed, there will still be a campaign for John McCain in Michigan whether it is sanctioned by the professionals in Washington DC or not.

Nuh-uh. I don't buy this for a second. This reeks of another campaign stunt, like they want to show that Palin's mavericky, that she's standing up for the little guy - like former Republican National Committee member Chuck Yob. I'm willing to bet money that a "grassroots campaign" spearheaded by Sarah Palin gets the McCain campaign to un-shutter their storefronts on Main Street, MI.

This just smells like so much bullshit. I really can't take these people seriously.

Another Day at the Salt Mines

Ring, ring.

Caller: Hi,...um,...yeah...um, I'm a GTF...at um...the U of O and...um, I'm on the health insurance for the summer and I had...um... a question about it.

Me: How can I help?

Caller: Well, um, I need to cancel it.

Me: Okay. I can cancel your insurance as of August 15th.

Caller: Well, um, I, like, don't need it.

Me: Okay, we can only cancel the insurance to the next 15th of the month, so August 15th is the soonest I can cancel it.

Caller: But, I never used it...the insurance. I didn't use it, so I'd like to cancel it for the whole summer.

Me: Well, I can't retroactively cancel it....

Caller: But I didn't end up needing it, so...um...I...um...need to get my money back.

Me: I can't do that. You can't do that. You can't retroactively cancel the insurance.

Caller: But, um....

Me: You can't do it. Sorry, but you can only cancel it forward.

Caller: Um...okay.

Click.

Dear Mom

This is kinda long, so before you read it, if you haven't read dave's last post, do it now because it rocks. We'll wait until you're back.

There's a reason I don't open my e-mail at night after I've relaxed. Tonight, I got a forwarded Obama smear e-mail with a note from my Mom at the top that read, "You like this guy?... Why?"

I love my mother, but I never talk politics with her. And she's sent me e-mails like this before (although I'm not usually called out in them). Usually I don't respond, but this time I answered her question. You tell me how I did, and I'll let you know what sort of response I get back:

First things first. The chain e-mail that was attached is mostly lies, a whole lot of horribly racist innuendo, some convenient misrepresentations, with maybe a fact or two sprinkled in. It's a common and cheap campaign tactic that political campaigns or their surrogates use to spread information, both true and false, because let's face it, people love to forward e-mails.

Anyways, just scanning the list, this one jumps out at me as a good example of how bogus these "not exactlies" are:

18.) I Was A Professor Of Law - NOT EXACTLY, you were a senior lecturer ON LEAVE.

A "lecturer" at the University of Chicago is a professor who is not on the tenure-track. Obama taught law students at the University of Chicago. He was entitled to be called a professor. The New York Times actually just wrote a piece where they discussed his time teaching law, which you can read by clicking here.

Points 6, 7, and 8 are transparent attempts (and lies) to paint him as a scary Arab, because obviously all Arabs hate America. It's racist, and is particularly insulting to the millions of Arab-Americans who proudly call this country home. And I have to ask, does it matter if Obama is of Arab descent? Wasn't I taught in school and in the Scouts that anyone could grow up to be president in the United States?

And point 38 bugs me to no end because it's just wrong, but that's another whole e-mail/grad school paper.

I could go on, but I'll simply point out that practically all of these assertions don't include reputable sources where you can go and double-check for yourself whether the claims are true or not. That should raise some skepticism. You you should go to this section of Obama's campaign web site where they deal with most of this (a lot of this trash has been recycled for over a year now), as well as current misrepresentations. [...] The campaign page has links to mainstream news articles which provide evidence for the claim. You can also check out snopes.com for a more independent look at some of the myths (with more links to supporting evidence) (snopes is also just fun to poke around on - they research a lot of crazy stuff!).

But you asked me why I like Obama. The truth of the matter is, I don't know if I like him. I've never met him. All I see are carefully crafted public appearances that are supposed to make me like him. I do like what I see, and I have it on good authority from people that I trust that he's a good guy. But I'm not voting for him because I like him. I've voting for him because I support his vision for the country and the policies he's proposed to enact this vision. I certainly don't agree with all of his policies - but his views are far closer to my own than the alternatives.

I support Obama because:
1. He wants to end the war in Iraq - a war in which we never should have been involved in the first place.
2. He has a plan to make sure that everyone in this country has access to basic health care. Sure, this country has the best medical facilities in the world, but what does that matter if 47 million people (10 million of them being children) who can't afford health insurance can't get even their basic health needs met?
3. He supports a woman's right to control her own fertility.
4. He's committed to reducing carbon emissions to control human-caused climate change, developing alternative and renewable energy resources, and to a "greener," more sustainable future.
5. He'd invest public monies in rebuilding the countries infrastructure, which would not only mean that we could do the necessary work to fix the over 14,000 bridges that need renovation or replacement so to avoid another collapse like in Minneapolis last year, but also provide decent-wage jobs to people working on these projects.
6. He's committed to re-enhancing public education with accountability measures that actually make sense and funding so that schools have the resources to make sure every child succeeds.
7. He's showed a willingness to actually listen to all-comers on the important issues that face us, be they foreign or domestic.
8. He believes that government can actually be a force to improve the lives of our nation's citizens, like it has in the past.

There's a lot more I could go on about, but instead, I'll point you to his stands on the issues at his web site for you to check out. I hope you'll take the time to look at them and draw your own conclusions. I obviously know that when he's elected all of our problems won't be magically solved. But if that's what he wants our country to look like in eight years, I'm on board.

Finally, the biggest reason I support him is because I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing people die in a war that was based from the very beginning on lies. I'm tired of watching our government do nothing while a whole city drowns. I'm tired of our dependence on oil. I'm tired of watching the wealthiest people in this country line-up for even more tax breaks while everyone else struggles with a stagnant economy and soaring health care and energy prices. I'm tired of hearing about kids spending more time preparing for a standardized test than actually learning. I'm tired of an administration that pretends science doesn't exist when it doesn't support the "right" political policies. And I'm tired of having the rest of the world either frightened of us or angry at us.

It didn't used to be that way. Barack Obama has convinced me that it doesn't have to be that way, and that he'll take us in another direction. All John McCain has shown me is that I'll be even more tired if he's elected.

One last thing - if you get any more of these chain e-mails, please send this response back to the sender and all the other recipients. You can even put my name and e-mail address on it if people want to respond (don't worry, working in politics gives you thick skin). With such an important decision, people deserve to have the tools and information they need to be truly informed about the candidates. I have no doubt that a lot of people won't agree with his stands on the issues - and that's fine. Policies and issues need to be debated and compromises reached. But I think you'll agree that people shouldn't base their vote on some random e-mail, lacking any sort of references, filled with slander and lies written by some racist bigot.

Love,
[wobs]

And that's what I did with my evening.

Toby Keith: American Idiot

I was watching Colbert last night, which I know I shouldn't do, and Toby Keith was his guest. After some chit chat about his up-coming movie, Colbert expressed concern:

Here's my worry Toby...you're going to go all Hollywood, hanging out with Sean Penn, chaining yourself to whales...

After chuckling and assuring Stephen that no such thing would happen, Keith gets real for a moment:

You'd be surprised how many people in Hollywood actually come up -- there's a lot of Hollywood people in this movie -- but when I'm in Hollywood and stuff, you'd be surprised how many people come up to me and say 'Hey, we support the troops, it's nothing political about supporting the troops.'

Toby Keith is surprised that people in Hollywood "support the troops"? And he thinks Stephen Colbert or Colbert's audience might be surprised that "Hollywood people" support the troops? Christ on a shingle, this guy actually believes the right-wing talking points about "Hollywood" people and, I'm guessing, "liberals."

Although it occurs to me that wherein most people say "support the troops" to mean "care for then men and women who serve the US and hope they all come home safe and secure," Toby is probably interpreting "support the troops" to mean "want them to kill as many terrorists as possible and bring glory and honor to the US." Otherwise, you'd have to be as dumb as a post to actually believe that anyone in the US wants our troops put in harm's way or doesn't "support" them in the sense of wanting them to come home alive. For fuck's sake, I can't believe we're still five years into this thing and anyone not screaming "America, Fuck Yeah!" is viewed with suspicion until slipping Toby the appropriate code words.

We truly live in George Bush's America.

A Friendly Note

Unless your checks have carbon copies, writing "Insurance" (or anything else) on the "memo" line of your checks isn't going to do you any good. It's kind of a waste of time. Plus, if you can't remember what you wrote a check to the "GTFF Trust" for, then you have larger problems than figuring out why you paid the GTFF Trust $221.80.

I Am Hank Hill

I just got back from a three day raft trip on the lovely Deschutes River in Central Oregon. I was looking forward to continuing to my vacation by enjoying some relaxing sleeping in. I find nothing relaxes so much as sleeping. Unfortunately, my neighbor picked this morning to build some half-assed enclosure in his backyard using copious amounts of chicken wire and staples.

Now I understand that reasonable men (and women I suppose, but shouldn't they be in the kitchen or something?) could disagree about the earliest time it is acceptable to begin backyard projects. I have heard it advanced that 8 am is a reasonable time. With my perpetual fear of conflict (or contact) with the neighbors, I wait until 9:30 am on Monday through Saturday and have an 11 am start time for the Sunday sleepers.

Apparently the junior jackass behind me (physically in the neighborhood, not behind me in my bed, that would be awkward because he could see what I was typing), would advocate for a 6 am start time, for this is when I was first awoken to the steady popping sound of his staple gun alerting me that my slumber had come to an end.

I desperately want to go over there and say something about the block charter, but I don't believe we have one. No, what we have is a little common fucking courtesy around here. It's all we've ever needed. Until today, I guess. Also, if this is a chicken coop this man is building, and something in my soul tells me it is, all I have to say is "no got dang way."

Be yourself!

Seeing as how at least 60% of the OG bloggers and an indeterminate number of our readers find themselves as some part of the "older women and the younger men who love them" duality, I'm sure you will all be pleased to know that our (apparently growing) demographic has been targeted by the relationship anxiety industry for the next iteration of their stale relationship advice.

Speaking for the fellas, I'm sure it never occurred to us that maybe older women would appreciate our attentiveness and good personal hygiene.

Beware: Run-on Sentences, Cursing, and Ill-formed Thoughs Below

Bush is not an economist, he's an optimist. Great. He thinks the economy is on a solid footing. It's only psychologically that people are worried. This is fine. We don't expect our presidents to be economic experts. We expect them to hire guys who know this shit. Then we hope that they listen to these men. No such luck, apparently.

While we're here, several men have taken pains lately to assure me that speculation has little to no role to play in the recent increase in the cost of oil. I'm not going to link, as you've either read it or you haven't, and I've got a couple bay breezes in me ('cause I'm a girl) and I don't want to look that shit up. But the President has told me just today that if we agree to let oil companies "explore" the shit out of the deep continental shelf and the Alaskan wilderness, then people will be assured and the price of oil will come down. In other words, the oil futures market would come down and we would pay less at the pump oil company revenues would drop slightly.

Also, the President also thinks that it's hilarious to not know how much gas costs. Fuck me. And the magic wand. How's this for a magic wand...any gas station that charges more than $3 for a gallon of gas will pay 120% tax on all income derived from charging more than $3. I bet that would bring the price of gas down right quick. Oh, I know, Exxon would only make $7 billion next year instead of $40 billion. Bet they'd stop selling gas altogether, only making $7 billion and all.

If said it before, I'll say it again, fuck me.

Was "Operation Nocturnal Emission" Already Taken?

Did everybody already know about Operation Midnight Climax? If so, these are the kinds of things about which I'd like to be informed.

We jam econo

So when, exactly, do I become a member of this coastal cultural elite that I hear so sneeringly derided? I don't think that I'm a member, although I'll readily admit to wanting to be an "elite..." something or other. But although that vilified segment of the population sounds a lot like me, I have a hard time thinking of myself as any sort of elite.

I mean, I like lattes, but at $3.50 a pop, it's not a taste I can regularly indulge.

We like to do Big Cultural Things, but our access to that relies on T.'s practiced eye for must-sees and good deals rather than being able to just randomly decide we'd like to try that opera thing.

I'm sure the mythical Martian sociologist would classify us as culturally as "creative class," but we're definitely on the lower edge of that spectrum.

I'll cop to being a snob when it comes to some things, but elite? C'mon. I don't even know the secret handshake.

What's in a gaffe?

gaffe also gaff [gaf]
- noun
1. A clumsy social error; a faux pas: "The excursion had in his eyes been a monstrous gaffe, a breach of sensibility and good taste" (Mary McCarthy).
2. A blatant mistake or misjudgment.

[French, from Old French, hook]

Comparative gaffes:

Gaffe #1: Barack Obama, while making a point that fundamental human rights, including that of a fair trial, should be accorded to terrorists, is accused of being inconsistent (and lacking the requisite thirst for blood) because of a connection (made by the McCain campaign) between inmates at Gitmo (who now have habeas corpus rights), Osama Bin Laden (who remains at large six and half years and two wars after his Big Day), and the defendants at Nuremberg (who did not have habeas rights).

Gaffe #2: John McCain, in an effort to ward off these two associated images:


...ignores a request from Iowa state officials to cancel a campaign appearance in order to keep personnel focused on flood recovery efforts rather than providing security for the GOP nominee.

You tell me. Which "gaffe" is more illustrative of the respective candidates?

Odd conventions

Until today, I did not know that the chairman of the Republican National Committee was one Robert M. "Mike" Duncan (I've only belatedly started going through my designated "right-wing propaganda" mailbox again). I have nothing personal against Mike or his delightfully Southern everyman name. I'm only calling him out on this because his e-signature caught my attention. However, you've seen others like him.

Roger L. "Rocco" Malone.

Wallace R. "Bud" Jenkins.

Avery T. "Tom" Patterson.

Why sign your name like that? Mike probably always introduces himself to people as "Mike Duncan," and he made it to the top of the RNC (regardless of it's current appeal as a post of duty), so why fuck with a winning formula?

On the other hand, maybe he prefers the formality of his given name for such serious work as making his candidate seem like a Man for the Times by recycling memes from the 80s. The 1980s, in case there was any doubt. So for that high-(on something)-level communication, go with the solid and officious Robert M. Duncan, etc. etc.

But awkwardly inserting the nickname - in quotes, no less! - into the more long form signature? Why am I picturing an airbrushed State Farm agent's portrait?

Oh - incidentally, I'd like you all to start referring to me as "Jim".

¿Cómo usted dice "moron" en español?

I'm all for bilingual ballots to help our Spanish-speaking brothers and sisters participate in the democratic process. On the other hand, I'm also certain that Hispanic voters can discern between a pro-multicultural candidate and an idiot.