How do you prepare for the world's largest tailgate party?

I'll be honest - I'm excited that I'll be able to go with T. and E. downtown on January 20 for the Inauguration (whether we'll be watching at the Mall or staking out a spot for the parade is still up in the air). The level of security that's going to be on display is to be expected. It's the rest of the wackiness that's making the event seem like a Dead lot for straight people:

Sgt. Robert LaChance, a U.S. Park Police spokesman, said that it is "not legal to camp on the Mall" and that tents would be banned.

Raise your hand if you were wondering if there's anything more pleasant than sleeping outside in the middle of January in DC.

Unlike at the Capitol or on the parade route, backpacks, chairs and strollers will be permitted on the Mall, he said. People can also bring food and coolers there.

Raise your hand if you were wondering how you were going to keep your tasty beverage ice-cold in the middle of January in DC.

In case of disaster, the D.C. Homeland Security and Emergency Management Agency plans to use a new loudspeaker system on the Mall to tell people what to do, officials said.

Really? It sounds like I'm about to see more cops in a roughly six hour period than I've ever seen in my entire life. What sort of disaster could possibly befall us?

What's that?

Still to be determined: how many portable toilets will be set up for the events.

Fuck.