Today's topic: filthy foods. What're five treats you eat that you hope to never be overseen snarfing on, either for aesthetic, dietary, or other arbitrary reasons?
Moi, you ask? Here goes:
5) Cheez-Its: I cannot seem to lay off these partially-hydrogenated squares, tho you won't see me bringing 'em to the nearest faculty potluck. En particulier lemme recommend the Tabasco version.
4) Jalapeno Poppers: These are ideally to be eaten in tiny doses, among friends and as part of a balanced appetizer sampler, non? Well I've been known to trip into Eugene's sports bars during off-hours and semi-formally take down a whole order w/ knife and fork.
3) Vegetarian Jerky/Vegetarian Ramen: both (pale imitations) are unhealthy and thrice the price of their meat-based (or meat-underwritten, as it were) foils. Further proof that we ovo-lactos are wannabe carnivores, and also that we're high-brow wankers!
2) Everything Morningstar Farms: I am a real "fake meat and potatoes" kind of Irish-Catholic shit, and thus avail myself of the Farms' products as part of my risky life-routine. When I make the Buffalo Wings, par example, it's always with a chaser set to the tune of Frank's Red Hot and butter. No wonder I look like a mound of balloons when swimsuit season rolls around!
1) Frank's Red Hot (solo): Ask any roomate! When it's my time to make dinner, I'll twice or thrice or a coupla dozen times pour a half-dollop of Frank's into my palm and lick it up. No nutrients involved, just "taste," and the pleasure that comes into a built-in cycle of lick, pain, guilt.
In no particular order:
ReplyDelete(1) You know you're desperate when you resort to eating from a vending machine. When I find myself in these dire straights on campus, I almost always pass up the less unhealthy options or the savory snacks I tend to prefer and buy peanut M&Ms. This is particularly weird since I don't really like milk chocolate and rarely eat candy under other circumstances.
(2) Trader Joe's cheese and green chile tamales. I've cut down on my consumption of this trashy treat since I started making my own tamales (woo! homemade tamales!), but until recently they were a frequent go-to weeknight meal.
(3) Wasabi peas. Who eats those things? Me! I could eat an entire bag in one sitting--and have.
(4) Lex's Frank's habit made me think of...mango pickles. I haven't found any decent ones down here (mainly because the closest South Asian grocery has such random hours and I can't ever seem to get there when they're open. I called once and said "What are your hours?" and they responded, "When were you thinking of coming by?"). But we used to order these with Indian takeout; they were intended to be a condiment, but I would eat the leftovers by themselves as a snack. Mmmm....mango pickles.
(5) Quorn. I guess Lex's list triggered this one, too. Other than veggie burgers and the occasional vegetarian sausage, I'm not a huge fake meat person. But I loves me some Quorn Chik'n Nuggets. You can fool yourself into thinking that because it's not meat (it's mycoprotein!) it's healthy. But anything named "chik'n" should immediately be suspect.
Oh boy -
ReplyDelete1)Crunchy Cheetos - I strictly monitor my intake of cheez, but I have a weakness for these.
2)Flyover country greasy spoon breakfasts - This is why I like traveling by myself, because T. would sooner die than allow me to snarf down biscuits & gravy with several cups of Maxwell House coffee.
3)I'll back up ash on the wasabi peas - I love 'em. In fact, I'm going shopping today...
4)Double cheezborger from the Billy Goat - It's right across the street from work, it's a knock-off of the famous Billy Goat tavern in Chi-town, and the burger is a gloriously no-frills hunk of bread, meat, cheese, and lots and lots of grease.
5)Tasty Bite's microwavable Indian meals - no self-respecting fan of Indian food would ever enjoy these, but as we've all seen, I'm somewhat lacking in self-respect.
1. Luna Bars. These bars "for women" (I'm not one) come in handy when I don't eat breakfast. They taste like a brick of soil with a chocolate coating.
ReplyDelete2. A burger from McDonalds. Yes, I stop there when I think I won't get caught or berated by friends and loved ones. I remove all bags and cups from my car before they saturate the atmosphere with old McDonalds smell and I have to explain myself later.
3. Shitty slices of old cheese pizza. These can be obtained from many establishments, preferably old enough for the dough to have a droopy quality.
4. Cap'n Crunch. I don't have this very often these days, but I used to have up to three consecutive bowls for a snack. The varieties with crunchberries will stain your tongue red or blue.
5. I can't think of another one right now.
Now that evil r&b guy has broken the seal, I'll cop to #2 on his list, too. I was too embarrassed to even include that on my initial list.
ReplyDeleteironically, your website itself seems to have gone fat as well. I think it might have something to do with the new header... on 1028x768 it fills out beyond the edge of the screen.
ReplyDelete'"fake meat and potatoes" kind of Irish-Catholic shit'... the genius (or degeneracy) of American food culture seems to be heavily bound up with industrialisation and over-reliance on processed food. Not that it hasn't spread elsewhere (like Ireland), but not to the same degree.
I like the idea, in Fight Club I think it was, of a no-nutrient, high-fat snack that would lead people to being obese but die of malnutrition. Or maybe that's a metaphor for the food industry?
oh yeah, anyone for peanuts in their coke?
1: McDonalds burger & fries. Although I made the radical decision to boycott them for almost 8 years, i finally realized that their homogeneity escorts them into the category of most consistent fast food chain. Wendy's? honestly, i've had enough stepped on almost square patties of meat with white lettuce and tomato for one lifetime.
ReplyDelete2:corn on the cob: i love this treat, but hate eating it in public. Raenie has introduced me to the slicing method which will forever make this process both elegant and enjoyable. Cheers sweet mama!
3:I will eat nearly anything else without shame.
Ash,
ReplyDeleteGood for you with the Quorn! I'd easily say that's the "healthiest" of the faux-meats. All told tho, it sounds like yr embarrassing eats are pretty unembarrassing!
Wobs,
Imagine how effed I was as a college-boy in the Deep South, seeking a "hangover breakfast" and finding a) exactly the meat-fat-laden brekkie options you covet, then b) suffering the GI consequences. That said, I miss the WaffleHouse almost every day, tho there are better variations on that theme to be found in Dixie.
Evil R + B,
Now we're talking. That description of the Luna bar as "soil covered in ______" covers almost my entire dietary life, it sometimes feels like. And seriously, I don't know a single meat-eater that doesn't harbor your attraction/repulsion a la "Mickey D's." And shitty slices of old cheese pizza should be made available to all citizens as a matter of course.
Gabba,
Oh, how you bring an added layer of identity politics with your scads of essential eps and all the palaver! From here on out, please include a parenthetical qualifier to all my self-wringing. When I call myself a "fake meat and potatoes, Irish-Catholic shit," I would like you to read it as "fake meat and potatoes, Irish(-American)-Catholic shit." Sure, I'm only two generations removed from your Republic, but you must know that I blame white ethnic New Jersey, and neither Sligo nor Donegal, for my swarthy, guilty inheritances (culinary and otherwise).
That said, I had a veggie burger in Galway once that tasted like nothing so much as deep-fried turf!
I'm teaching Michael Pollan's the omnivore's dilemma this week, so this is a timely post...
ReplyDeleteThough there are too many items to include, here are five of my filthiest that come to mind:
1. Geno's Crisp and Tasty Frozen Pizza--i once was caught leaving the local supermarket w/ not one but two of these gems tucked under my arm, by two of my best and most "ethical" students.
2. A local 24-hour quick-y mart sells these amazing double-sized apple fritters. It used to be a two sitting engagement, inreasingly, though I eat them quickly and efficiently, in no time flat. Yesterday, for example, I stopped on my way to campus--leaving Reed in his car seat--and bought myself one..it was done before I made the remaining 10 minutes drive to my office.
3. I'll buy several of 3-for-a-buck candy bars while waiting in the check-out line because "they're cheap"..
4. I'll also drop 4 or 5 bucks on a fancy chocolate bar.
5. My biggest vice by far, though, are those Barbara's "natural" jalepeno cheese puffs. Shayna and I routinely devour an entire bag b/w the grocery store on home--a short 10 minute trip by car.
kev,
ReplyDeletei can rarely ever pass up a fritter myself, tho those of the EMU Buzz aren't much to sneeze at.
During the Sewanee years, "burping the fritter" was a hallowed euphemeism. Can anybody guess what for?
oh, and re: Cheez-Its.
ReplyDeletei'll have you know that rob(e)'s mom - this is not an epithet, btw - has a recipe for homemade cheese squares that'll blow everybody everywhere's mind.
You brought it up, you get it:
ReplyDelete1 lb extra-sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
1/4 lb. unsalted butter, softened
1/4 cup salt
2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Combine cheese and butter in a lg. mixing bowl. Beat well at med. speed. Combine remaining ingredients and stir well. Gradually add flour mixture; beat until dough is no longer crumbly and forms a ball. Press dough through a cookie press onto an ungreased cookie sheet into long strips. Cut into desired lengths. Bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 min. or until light brown. Remove to wire rack to cool. Store in airtight container. May be frozen. Makes 12 dozen. -Martha T. Smith
lex - qualifier noted, although I automatically associated 'Irish-Catholic' with 'Irish-American'; as in, the pairing is kinda redundant in Ireland with its 90% rate of Catholicism (myself an exception).
ReplyDeleteI guess, on behalf of all my fellow republicans*, I should apologise for that veggie burger.
*not talking US politics here!
to say something more relevant to this post, one of the few American snacks that I have available to me on an everyday basis are Reese's Peanut Cups and Nutrageous. I prefer the latter, but they're both kinda of guilty because of how darn sweet your chocolate (and peanut butter) is. Oh, that and Hersheys. meh. Europe's got better chocolate.
Since I started dieting a year ago, "snack treats" is generally confined to an apple or when I am really letting go, a granola bar (low-fat, 90 calorie only please) sprinkled on top of yogurt (210 calories!!). The following dietary choice are largely confined to pre-diet Dave, with the exceptions of #5 and #3, which are surprisingly low-fat.
ReplyDelete5. Beef Jerky. I eat pounds a week. I try to buy the made-in-the-store kind, assuming it's loaded with fewer preservatives, but who knows.
4. Pepperoni sticks. See above, but with fat.
3. I make a lot of meals and love cooking for my friends. I imagine my "loose-meat sammies" will not be made for many of you.
2. I've been known to eat a pound of linguisa in a sitting.
1. Party Pizzas. A step up from Genos, sure (oh. my . god. how can you eat that crap?) but still pretty bad for you. And pretty bad. I tend to go Combo (pepperoni and sausage), but have been known to go straight sausage. I will go to my grave arguing that there is no finer drunk food. Come home blitzed, grab a brew-ha, start the oven up 450, pop the pizza in when it warms, grab another brew, and in 8 minutes you have a burn-the-roof-of-your-mouth treat that cannot be beat.