I Weep as I Type

Dear Sirs,

I would like to apply to be a columnist for your fine publication. I believe I would fit in with the fine stable of men and women who currently write for your paper. As I have no experience, other than a blog I would prefer you don't find out about, I have taken the liberty of writing out the topic sentences for a year's worth of columns for the 2012 presidential election. I hope you will see that I would certainly fit right in fit right in, I certainly would.

November 2011:
Struggling economy, unpopular war with Iran leave McCain vulnerable.

Field of Democratic challengers strong, fight it out to see who will assuredly replace McCain.

December 2011:
Wal-Martification of American economy has left America prey to powerhouses China and India.

Democratic front-runner has glaring personality flaw that could spell defeat in November.

Democratic front-runner stumbles in debate, challengers bear down.

January 2012:
Crucial month for Democrats, nation.

Surprisingly strong third-place showing in Iowa reshuffles Democratic pack.

Democrats in-fighting, should be focusing on McCain.

February 2012:
New Hampshire narrows Democratic field to three, reform on agenda for all.

Super Tuesday surprise hands nomination to upstart Democratic challenger.

McCain camp "ready for fight," but internal squabbling blunts message.

March 2012:
Democratic nominee calls for focus on "issues," not "personalities," blasts McCain's handling of economy, war.

Economy, health care crisis continue to be burden to Americans, McCain struggles to find answers.

April 2012:
McCain cheers on Diamondbacks, Democratic challenger has ties to several teams.

Campaign trail gaffe: Democratic challenger questions need for rural Oregonians to use dogs to hunt cougars; appeal to far-left PETA crowd could hurt support in rural America.

May 2012:
Far-left attacks on McCain could backfire, Democratic challenger calls for "clean campaign."

Continued GOP use of 9/11 as justification for war a falsehood, Democrats need to go on the attack.

Questions raised about patriotism of Democratic challenger.

June 2012:
Democratic challenger grew up in same hometown as notorious child molester.

McCain says economy will rebound, accuses Democratic challenger of hoping it continues to fail.

Civil war in Kerplekistan: McCain blames Muslim extremists, Democratic challenger says "wait and see" approach best.

July 2012:
Democratic challenger's spouse went to Harvard, Yale, never eaten bacon-cheddar potato skins at TGI Fridays.

Cindy McCain embraces role as first lady, loves babies.

August 2012:
Republican insiders surprisingly say Palin has learned from last four years, ready to lead.

McCain would need spectacular convention to revive hopes of retaining the presidency.

Questions about McCain's health show prejudice among Democrats, do not belong in campaign about "issues."

September 2012:
Historic convention bounce has McCain barely trailing in polls; McCain resilient, America still loves Palin.

Where is Democratic challenger? Should Dems have picked other guy?

Allies in Middle East say weak America could destabilize tense situation.

Perhaps only McCain could get bipartisan support necessary to accomplish "Democratic" reforms.

October 2012:
Campaign turns nasty, as Democratic challenger accuses McCain of performing poorly on economy, war.

Vice Presidential debate shows that pitbull Palin, GOP not ready to back down.

Both McCain and Democratic challenge declare debate success, ready for stretch run.

On eve of historic election, America divided, ready for change.

November 2012:
Historic re-election shows that maverick McCain has mandate for change.


I can haz journamalism job now?